A long and lonley road no more

Soo... This really isn't about my fitness journey, though that will be discussed, but more the journey of my life the last few months since I haven't wrote in forever....


Okay, so we will start with the fitness.. have sucked. The end. I stoped eating right and started eating like crap for about 80064641 excuses...but I have realized lately that excuses will always be there...and it really boiled down to I stopped caring. But that is soon going to change..because frankly...I am tired of being fat...yep I said it..the dirty f word... the one word that I hate.... because deep down I know its true... I am fat... now that doesn't mean that I don't think I am pretty, because I do... but I am overweight..... and that wont change unless I make it... I was doing so good... SO GOOD...and I stopped caring....but now that the storm of school and moving and life has calmed..I care again....and I need to focus on it so much this summer, that it becomes a part of who  I am...so I don't have to care...but do.... So that is one summer goal for sure...



OKAY!!! Now on to a positive note.I AM OFFICIALLY HALF WAY DONE WITH NURSING SCHOOL!!!! This is a wonderfully exciting and terrifying thing because I realize I am 100% in the adult world this time next year... I loose my final childhood crutch of school. But, I am excited for that...and so proud of what I have done. Nursing school has been the most challenging thing I have done in my entire life... and I am kicking its ASS!!!! This last semester I pulled a 4.0 and got a letter of recommendation!! BOOYAH!!!


Okay... now onto the heavy hearted stuff. I have to put it simply, not been in a good place lately.. I have been trying to make relationships work that have no business even existing... I have been selfish...I have haven't liked who I have been... I have felt like no one could love me and that I wasn't worthy of the love from those who do...but today God put a screaming halt to that!!! Today, was the birthday party for the Dicksons... and God really hit me there... (go figure at your pastors house!! heehee) As I was getting out of the car, a couple of the youth were leaving and ran and gave me big hugs...which always makes ya happy...And I went inside I came across person after person in my life, that I haven't seen in what seems like forever making me feel loved and wanted. Hugged by youth and kids...not because I did something for them...not because they have to... but because they love me... its as simple as that. Then my sweet little Aidan (who isn't so little anymore really sent it home) I was sitting with him on the stairs, and he puts his hands on my face and squished his nose to mine and tells me "I have missed you soooooo much" in his growly dinosaur voice... I started to cry, and tell him that I have missed him too, as he then tells me "don't cry... i love you"... those few simple words from a little boy that I have loved so very much since the day he entered this world almost 4 years ago..erased months of pain... months of self dislike.. because it that split second God reminded me that I am loved. and that I am wanted... . And because when God makes a point he REALLY makes a point, when I check my facebook next I have a message from Stacy, reminding me how much I am loved... So today I owe thanks... to the people I have taken for granted..the people who always remind me of not only their love but Gods love.. the people who have changed my life in so many ways

Long Time Comming...

Okay. So I have sucked the last couple weeks on keeping up with this thing. But school and life got the best of me.... It has been a CRAZY couple of weeks. School has damn near killed me several times and I have done everything in my power to cling to some kind of a social life. All while living a primal life. Sound hectic? It is. So here is how it all tallies up... I got B's on my first two exams in school  (after teacher magic of course). Which I am happy with, but not thrilled. I wanted to do better on both of them.. but for some reason haven't been able to get to that study obsession I had last semester. I guess maybe I burnt myself slightly out.. .But I need to find the fire again...or I am afraid I will get burned. (Yeah...I love cheesy metaphors...). As far as a social life goes, life is great...hahaha. I have been getting closer and closer with Michelle, which is fantastic. She is truly my best friend and I love her to death.... We have created a year plan to move in together... and I am super excited about that, and pray that it is in God's plan for us to pull it off. Besides that I have been looking a lot at who I call friends and who I choose to spend my time with, and have made some changes... I am tired of wasting my time and energy on people who don't matter, quite frankly, I don't have enough of it to spare. As far as the primal thing goes...It has had its ups and down. I have consistently lost up until this last week..I blame the rice in the sushi... I ate a lot of sushi.... But the overall total is I am down 17 pounds in just about 6 weeks. Which is the most I have ever lost in my life....  I am really proud of myself..and my little weight gain (1 lb) last week really inspired me and proved to me to get my but back in gear!! I need to work on walking more, because I am stuck behind a lap top studying so much..I am lacking the sun and movement..but with time comes change... Overall..Life has really never been better. I am surrounded by wonderful people, doing okay in school, and living a healthier life than I ever have.... Now I need to go work on a paper and study some HIV...

Until another day....

Long Over Due

Okay, so last week my school semester started, which means I had no time to do...anything... besides school that is. However, I find that when I am in school it is SO easy to maintain my primal lifestyle. My life is so structured that bringing and planning primal foods fits into it perfectly.  My classmates are already tired of me saying "I don't eat that kinda stuff" to their food suggestions im sure..but I am learning to adapt to all situations. Friday also marked the end of my 3rd week being primal, which means my body has fully "transitioned". I think it did it around day 15 though, I could feel the switch almost hard to explain. So overall I had a great week health wise, even went on a 45 min walk with some of my classmates on our break!!1 (which ended up with me having a HUGE blister on my foot because of my stupid shoes). I did have a minor..err major relapse on Friday where I fell into old stress habits of binge eating, along with PMSing... I didn't stand a chance against my will power... So I ate a crap ton of cheetos and chocolate...but...like always I felt like crap afterwards, physically and mentally. So even though I was disappointed in myself for giving in to habits, I am taking it as a learning experience..that for all the good habits I have formed over the last three weeks, the bad ones are still there.... and I will struggle with them for the rest of my life.


So Weekly weigh in (after the binge eating) = 3 pounds loss! Which brings the current total to 11 pounds in 3 weeks. I can't physically see the difference yet, but I am starting to be able to feel it... Excited for what the new week has to bring...

Week 2 stats...mistakes... future....

WOW! WHAT A WEEK! Friday marks the end of the second week that I have been primal. This week was a lot easier than the first in many ways... It is starting to become habitual to eat primal, which is good. I am replacing old terrible bad habits with good habits. Not to say that I don't have my moments where I want to grab the bag of Cheetos, but I have found more often when I get that snacky feeling I start thinking about avocado and string cheese.

I can definitely tell that my body is changing (in more ways than one). I went off the rocker and ate potato salad yesterday, and then had a couple cocktails with friends and OH MY GOD my stomach hurt SO bad. It was the worse idea that I have had in a while. I not only felt mentally guilty for cheating, but my body was pissed. It amazes me though, that my body has adjusted so much so soon. I used to be able to eat EVERYTHING... nothing bothered me, but now, carbs my former love make me feel like crap (probably because they are crap for you)....but I think I needed to learn this lesson. It definitely makes the idea of cheating less appealing.... I HATE tummy aches and that is all that comes from cheating. It is only tasty for a heart beat, stomach aches last for hours....


This week I start school... I am convinced they are trying to kill me with the schedule. But I have been working on snacks (cutting up veggies, hard boiling eggs, avocados, gonna make some CAVE MAN CRUNCH in a little while, gonna pre zip lock some nuts ) and I think in some ways it will make school a lot easier when it comes to food. I will have everything pre done and there, so I wont be tempted to waste money on fast food, and I will feel better... I am also setting it as my goal to maintain a decent level of sleep this semester. I let that go last semester and I really suffered from  it, mentally and physically.... I am anxious and excited for a new semester.. I feel like it will flow nicely with my fresh start in life.....



OKAY!!!!! Time for the weekley stats since this is my technical end of week post.
This week I LOST (drum roll please...) 5 POUNDS!!!!  which brings the grand total to 8 pounds. No, it isnt a lot, and yes I have a long way to go...but with ever pound that dissapears, I become more confident in the Primal life and that I am finally doing something right when it comes to my health....


SO here is to a new week (week 3, which is the final week of my "transformation"), new adventures, and the 49ers kicking the giants butt in a couple hours!

The ruffles are staring at me.....

We are quickly approaching the end of the second week of this journey... And it has been a tough one. I have been slightly stressed out because of school starting, which means I have wanted to fall back into my default stress habit, eating carbs..and a lot of them... BUT, I can proudly say that I have resisted (for the most part)... I think a big part of it for me is making sure I have those primal kind of snacks around..because I  do like to munch on things while I study, but if I munch on good things, it doesn't matter for the most part... I think I just need to continue to work on my habits.. Looking forward to making some snacks this weekend.. I am thinking caveman crunch, maybe protein bars, a ton of cut up veggies... Should be good. I have also been on a mission to find the right kind of greek yogurt... I swear there is only "fat free" yogurt out there. I am thinking I am going to have to go to vons.. or somewhere along that lines cause staters sucks.. maybe sprouts will have it... I am also going to do some spring cleaning this weekend... gonna start school on a fresh slate this semester...



Foods I am officially in love with:
Eggs...in all varietys it turns out...
Steak... (okay I kinda already knew that one)
Spinach... I forgot how much I like it I guess...
Bacon (again, I definitely knew this... still working on finding uncured though...)
Avocados.... with salt and pepper...mmmm


So I think I have been doing good, besides eating far too many nitrates for breakfast... gotta work on finding uncured sausage and bacon... Definitely liking the feeling less hungry though..sometimes I eat breakfast at 7 and am not hungry at all until 3. Which I love. Because I can have a small snack and I am good until dinner. =]

1st week down!!!

WOOO!!!! Okay on a completely unrelated note I just have to start this blog with 49ers ROCK!!! They had an amazing play off game today and I am still completely stoked!!!


Okay, Now down to business. The last couple of days have been super busy!! But,  I think I am starting to master eating primally at restaurants because of it!! I have eaten at, a bbq place, mimis, dennys and market broiler within the last couple of days and have done fantastically well at sticking to the primal diet if I don't say so myself. I have cheated a bit here and there, but it is a work in progress... I have found that when I don't cheat and eat primally, I feel a lot better. Carbs make me feel crappy. Which is good, because if they didnt I dont know if I could make it. =]

So the week coming up is my last week before starting school and is going to be busier than ever....  Which kinda scares me.. but I am devoting this week to working on organization of my food. So it isn't stressful when I do start school to eat primally. I am hoping to get to the point where it comes second nature, but since I am not there yet, I will just plan and organize like a mad woman....



OKAY!!! the big thing for today. My first ever weekly stats. This will be the weekly weigh in to track my progress of all this. I am not brave enough to say my weight, SO I will just state the amount LOST, yeah that's right! LOST!!!! SO from a week ago today I am officially 3 pounds less. Which okay, isn't a lot..but it is progress, it shows me that this is working!!!!


Here is to a fantastic day of football, steak, and weight loss..and hopefully a week of the same to come!!!

The good and the bad....

Yesterday was a busy day. I worked early, and then went shopping in temecula. But throughout all of that, I ate fantastic!!! I had a GREAT primal day. And I felt great. It is amazing to me how good I feel when I eat right. I have more energy for sure!! But today was a different story. Today I "cheated" several times. And it has left me feeling bloated and with a slight tummy ache. However, this is kind of exciting to me, because it means my body is changing and adapting towards being Primal. Now that my body knows what it needs and wants, it isn't overly pleased with not getting it....

I have found other peoples reactions very interesting. I have started simply saying no thank you to a lot of offers of carb filled foods and everyone always asks why.. So then I have been responding with a simple I don't really eat that... But no one ever lets it go there. Which I find interesting. Everyone always wants to know why... but when I tell them, I get weird looks and told "hmm that doesn't seem like a very smart choice". I don't flaunt my life choices to people. I have already learned that I will face opposition to my lifestyle... But its almost like they force it out of me. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem in talking about my diet or explaining the primal lifestyle to people, but I am kinda getting tired of everyone looking at me like I have 5 heads when I do.



So... here is to a better tomorrow when it comes to eating..because I don't really want to feel like crap again.. I guess the best way to explain how I feel is inflamed, which is what carbs do, go figure.

Eat More Fat....

That has been the theme of today. And I think that I did a pretty good job of it!!! I have definitely felt fuller with my conscious effort to intake more fat. Today has also been a day of temptation. I went to Panera with my mom today, the primal diets nemesis. And surprisingly I didn't feel like I was missing out on much. Once you realize how unhealthy grains truly are for you... It makes them less desirable. I did slightly cheat during dinner tonight however. But I controlled the amount of cheating. My mom made this polish pork stew that she has made since we were little, which is a FANTASTIC primal meal... but then enters the dumplings that you eat with it. Pure carbs. Terrible for you.... but oh so delicious. But I limited myself to one, and surprisingly didn't feel like I needed more than that. I was actually enjoying the pork more, which was never my favorite part before.


I had my first "primal" shopping trip today. I bought a ton of veggies. Including egg plant which I have never cooked before, so excited to figure that out!! I also bought some marbled beef and a ton of breakfast sausage!!! Which will deffiantley help increase my fat!!!


I love pinterest! For the record. I have found some great primal recipes on there I can not wait to try!!



Here is to day 4....

On the indside....

So today is the 2nd day of going Primal. I think it has been slightly easier than yesterday... It amazes me at how long I feel full for... but I am still dreaming about pasta... I wont lie.. I have been doing a lot of research about the Primal life and the health benefits of it... it amazes me... the government are jerks... 

On a separate note.. I realized something interesting. My whole life I have been told "you are beautiful on the inside", which don't get me wrong.. is a fantastic thing to hear and makes me feel great... but I truly think it is a fat kid slogan. That being said, I really am proud that I try to be a good person and that I try and do the right thing and show Gods love...however I just want to FEEL beautiful on the outside. No I don't think I am ugly. I never have. But I have always had a huge insecurity about my weight and I am really excited for that to lower. To be able to look in the mirror and think DANG I LOOK GOOD!!!!  not... eh... I look okay but this shirt could fit a lot better...

I haven't met back up with the "hill of doom" yet... things came up today... but I think I am fixated on that hill in a metaphorical way more than even a physical... I truly feel like I have an uphill journey ahead of me... No matter how many times I am promised that once you get the hang of primal it will be easy... Loosing weight has never been easy for me... It seems unreal... I guess seeing will be believing for me....I guess I never realized how many emotional ties I had to my weight and deep seeded self doubt...

I really need to thank James and Rachel. Without their support I never would feel like I can do this whole primal thing. They are truly amazing people and I am way blessed to know them and to be able to get my Grok on with them!!! Plus they have AMAZING recipes ;) I don't feel like the friends that I have explained primal to get it. Like last night I went out to play some pool with a friend, and where I would normally drink a beer or two, I wasn't drinking because beer is basically pure carbs, which I don't really intake. She didn't seem to understand why one beer mattered and why I would do such a "strict diet"... But I cant blame my friends, It is like nothing that we are taught our whole lives. We grow up learning the food pyramid which has now turned into the "my plate" thing which focuses on grains and carbohydrates, and I am going against all of those things with Primal...but hey, we are taught about Santa Clause too right?

Okay gonna close with todays menu:

I didnt really eat breakfast... I woke up late so I had kinda an early lunch. 

Lunch was a chicken breast and wing with lima beans (eek way more carb filled than I thought orrigionally but they were all I had in the frozen veggie land) and a hard boiled egg.

I had 2 baby bell cheese things as a snack which I discovered were CARB FREE, super exciting and am seriously thinking about standing up and getting a handful of almonds.

For dinner I plan on making a big old salad and putting some chicken and hard boiled egg and avocado in it. I hope to make blue cheese dressing from scratch today, but I didn't end up making it to Henry today for the blue cheese.

Today it begins....

Wow... I am really nervous about creating a blog tracking my fitness journey. It is so personal. Such a hard topic for me. However, after a lot of thought, I think I need this... I need the community it offers... because even if no one actually reads it..I have put it out there...and am now accountable for what I do.... With that being said... I guess the only place to start is the beginning. I was always a heavy set kid. I wasn't necessarily fat as a child, but I was always thick. Then, when I was 7 my father passed away suddenly. My entire world changed. And I found comfort in food. I was sad... I ate... I think a part of it was that dinners and food was one thing that would never disappoint me. And I think my mom realized that it was one of the few things she had control over. Dinner. Making a huge, delicious dinner for us to sit down to every night. That never changed. As long as I can remember before and after my Dads death we sat down and ate dinner as a family. So as I grew up, so did the weight. I think I really realized that I was the "fat kid" in middle school. A terrible terrible place. I was teased, I was bullied... but it was okay..because I could go home and cry and eat something, and the world would be a happy place again. Then I hit high school. I think the entire time I was in high school I was always going to loose weight. My sophomore year I had blood work done and was told that I was showing markers for being pre-diabetic. That was the only time I actually dropped any weight in my life.But "healthy food" didn't taste as good as "fatty food", and exercise was hard..very hard. So, like every time before, it lasted a month, maybe two...and the Lays were back to calling my name. I was always embarrassed by my weight. I always wanted to be thin. I wished that it would just disappear.... and have until this year. This year will be different. I refuse to be a hypocritical nurse. A statistic. Another fat person in the world wishing I was skinny.  I am taking a new approach and am finally going to STOP saying I WISH and START saying I WILL....

I started my "health kick" on the first...but was quickly finding myself tired of the "healthy food" and kept claiming I would exercise. Then I found Primal. Well I was shown primal by a good friend of mine. He declared on Facebook that if you wanted to get healthy he knew the way... (my interest was definitely had) and posted the link to marksdailyapple.com. So I went, and checked it out and found myself even more interested and very skeptical. So I messaged him saying I would like to get together and talk to him about it. After several hours of discussing and discovering what the Primal lifestyle was, and geeking out at the cellular level.. I made the choice that Primal is for me. Primal is like nothing I have ever tried...and is basically backwards of everything I thought was healthy (which is why I have put "healthy foods" in quotes to this point) . It is based off of the principle that protein is good, fat is great, and grains aren't. WHAT!!?!?! FAT IS GOOD!!!!??!!! I know you think I have lost my mind...and who knows, maybe I have, but I really think that I have found the best kept secret out there. Everything I have read and been told says it takes about 3 weeks to adjust to the primal lifestyle. It is definitely a change, and a sacrifice in a way... I am a carboholic. But I have no doubt that it will be worth it in the end. 

So today is day 1 of being Primal. So far I have consumed 3 eggs with bell peppers, and a double bacon cheeseburger without sauce or the bun. I was amazed at how full I felt after breakfast. Even after I went on my 2.5 mile walk up Simpson Park (which damn near killed me) I wasn't hungry..... 

Exercise. My least favorite word in the dictionary. With Primal it is easy. Play. Move. Walk. These things I can do!!! So today Michelle and I strapped on our running shoes and started the walk up Simpson park. She used to do this all the time, this was my first. I didn't quite make it to my goal today. My heart felt like it was going to explode and my legs were wobbling. And it made me sad. As I was crawling up that hill, praying to God that the top was coming, It really hit me. It really hit me how many years I have let my health go..How out of shape I really was....and I was dissapointed in myself. But, then I remind myself that today that changes... Today... I could only make it up the first hill.. tomorrow I will make it up the second... and so on... This journey isn't going to be easy... It isn't going to be fun a lot of the time... but... I am truly at the point were I am tired of wishing for things to change... They will change. I will change.


Day one has been hard... here is hoping for a slightly easier Day two....